Failing marriages have become common place. Your marriage is a sacred covenant before God and I feel like a lot of people forget this, particularly Christians.
It is a bond, a spiritual bond that takes a whole lot of work and isn’t perfect. However, after talking to a lot of friends and even strangers I’ve noticed something. Something similar to a sickness has seeped into marriages at an alarming rate and the end result is not good.
Miserable Failing Marriages
People are miserable. Everyone always says they have a great marriage. It isn’t as BAD as someone else’s and you get along well enough and have fun occasionally, but that doesn’t make it good.
Marriages are falling apart with divorces, infidelity, or both parties are just dead to one another.
I’m not trying to condemn anyone with a less than perfect marriage. Because my marriage isn’t perfect either, but point out that couples are just not as happy as they used to be.
Giving Up On Your Marriage
One of the biggest problems I see is… nobody tries anymore. It’s like, people get married and then let their relationship fall into a deep hole. It’s so common in fact, people are scared of marriage because they’re afraid things will change. There are so many jokes about loveless, sexless, soul-sucking marriages. It’s not funny, it’s sad.
These stereotypes started for a reason.
But how did this happen? While I feel like politics have a very big impact in how men and women treat each other as well as social politics, I will not delve into that mess.
Instead, we are going to talk about spiritual problems and emotional/physical problems because everything can be summed up by these.
God Isn’t First In Our Marriages
First and foremost, God isn’t in our marriage. We may go to church and pray at the table, but most Christians don’t have God first in their lives. Their children usually come first, then work, then everyone else, then their spouse, then themselves or the spouse and themselves can be switched.
Your children, work, money, chores, yourself, friends, your spouse all become idols.
God comes first. Think of a triangle, God is at the top, your spouse in one corner, and you at the other, and then fill that triangle up. God should consume nearly all of it!
Once we start shoving God out of our relationship, we are sure to fail.
Men Do Not Lead Their Families And Love Like Christ
Secondly, men don’t demand respect from their families and refuse to take up the mantle as the head of the home. Before you freak out, let me explain.
Men are meant to lead the home physically and spiritually. Men are meant to be providers and protectors and spiritual leaders because of this, they are meant to be respected. That doesn’t mean he can be mean or cruel and disregard his wife. Rather, he takes into consideration all she has to say and then makes the final decisions that he deems best for his family
He is to love his wife like himself and like Jesus loves the church.
Women Are Not Submitting To Their Husbands
Women are meant to submit to their husbands. Again, let me explain. We have had it engrained in our heads that we need to be independent of men and girl power to the point that it hurts our men. We are to submit to our husbands similar to the way we submit to God. That doesn’t mean we are doormats, and are slaves, that means we let our husbands lead.
We have embraced our punishments that we were given in the Garden of Eden. Men are passive in the family, and women want to rule over her husband…and is. We were never meant to, we are helpers! We are warriors to back our husbands up and help then spiritual and to love, nurture, and protect our families.
You Stopped Chasing Your Spouse
The third thing is, we stop chasing. We got married so we have no need to chase one another right? That’s it, we’re done, queue the sweatpants and sexless nights.
No, you don’t ever stop chasing your spouse.
We get in a rut where we stay in our pajamas all day, or sweats, or yoga pants, we throw off work clothes as soon as we get home. Men, you’re in your boxers with a stained up t-shirt on your days off.
No make up is done, no one works out, no one takes the initiative for dates, talks, sex, silly playfulness.
Excuses And Idols
And you can use the excuse of work, errands, exhaustion and children, but you make those idols in your life. Those are excuses.
The dynamic of the family should be God, Husband and Wife, then children, then other relationships and priorities like work.
And before we get into the argument of children going first, I’m not talking about neglecting your kids, or famine, or your traumas that make you put them on a pedestal.
You still take care of your children and love them to pieces, but they are not first. Your spouse is forever, your children will leave eventually and they have nothing without you. It’s about respect and putting God and your spouse first.
Children don’t respect their parents nowadays as they should and marriages are a disaster because children become idols. This is also a source of distress in marriages.
Date Your Spouse
Take time to date, to take care of yourself so you can impress your spouse, take time to have sex, or cuddle, or some kind of intimacy even if it is sitting in a quiet room together and doing something. Go for a walk, wrestle, watch a movie, be an adult and have alone time with your spouse.
I keep mentioning sex and some of you are rolling your eyes. Sex is important. Okay, say this next part with me, sex is not a reward.
Sex Is Not A Weapon
We all have love languages and some people need to be romanced beforehand and everyone has different ways they liked to be wooed.
But your spouse having to beg, jump through hoops, and to the point they’d rather just look at porn because they’re so scared to ask (yes, this is a thing), is ridiculous.
I get there are days you don’t feel well and that is okay, but stop using sex as a weapon, and this goes for both husbands and wives.
Believe it or not, the number of men with less sex drives than women is rising.
Your body is not your own anymore.
You Belong To Each Other
1 Corinthians 7:4-5
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
I’m not suggesting spousal rape or anything, I’m saying you need to make time to share the ultimate act of love.
For 10 years, I’ve never once declined my husband, and if there was a reason I couldn’t have sex, I would offer another way to fulfill my husband.
I know, super scandalous talk right here, but these are things we need to talk about. Couples who are intimate are happier, and if you have to separate sex drives (most couples do) then talk and come up with something that works for you guys.
Love Languages
Next, learn to love one another the way they need to be loved.
We all have our special love languages, and if you haven’t read the book I highly suggest it, it really changed the way I loved my husband, because before I had no idea how to romance him and vice versa.
Also, there are some universal things that each person desires.
Men feel loved when they are respected. Women feel loved when they are desired and beautiful.
Men Want Respect Women Want Desire
Men want your respect and to feel like you need them and women want to feel desired and like they’re the apple of your eye.
When I have this discussion with people it usually goes:
“I can’t submit, I like being in control, he can’t handle things.”
“Why should I chase after her?”
“He isn’t romantic or help, why should I respect him.”
“She is so controlling and nagging how can I desire her if she is always angry?”
“I’m too tired for sex, he can go look at porn and leave me alone.”
“She doesn’t put any effort into the way she looks.”
“He’s lazy on his days off.”
These are actual things I’ve heard, and you know what, they sound bitter, and they are bitter statements, because people are bitter with one another.
No one wants to take the first step.
Taking The First Step
Technically, men should be taking the first step since they are the head of the home, but women you have to help. You have to let him take his spot and you need to give him a reason to desire you, just like men have to give women a reason to respect him.
If you want your garden to produce for you, you have to tend it. Both people are the garden and both people are the gardener.
Start tending.
Communication And Forgiveness
The last things I want to talk about is communication and forgiveness. So many times, we expect our spouses to be mind readers.
“Well, they should have known.”
No. No one is a mind reader, if there is a problem, desire, or problem you have to talk about it. That requires both people to be present, calm, and willing to work on it.
And after a fight, you need to forgive one another, and even on a daily basis. Stop brooding and let go.
If you start making the effort, I am sure your spouse will notice, and there are cases where they don’t, I’ve been there.
I’m not just making all this stuff up, this is stuff I’ve used in my marriage and had to learn the hard way, which is why I want to share it with you. I had no one to tell me these things.
My husband and I are not perfect. We hardly ever fight and for the majority of the time we are happy and get along, but it wasn’t always like that.
We went through some periods where things were VERY rocky.
So, all of this is tried and true and I’ve seen it work for others as well. I would never tell you this if I didn’t believe in it.
So maybe take some time and think about things you need to change about you. Do you need to learn to put God first? Change the dynamics of your family? Do you need to take care of you first? What hurts or concerns do you need to talk to your spouse about? How do they and you need to be loved?
What can you do to bring back the sparks in your marriage?