Wondering how to reconnect with your spouse? That’s what we will be talking about today! Love is a choice, it doesn’t just happen. But when life gets in the way, changes happen, you change as people. And when that rift enters you may be wondering how to reconnect with your spouse again. It’s doable, and you should! And I’m here to help!
Love Is A Choice and So Is Reconnecting With Your Spouse
I said it twice already, but love is a choice. I know in movies and books we see people fall in love instantly and live happily ever after. But love isn’t just a feeling. It’s action. So when you aren’t feeling the most romantic, it’s your job and obligation to chase and reconnect with your spouse where they are.
And if you find that you and your spouse aren’t lovey dovey anymore and that there is a rift, don’t feel guilty. It happens to us all. Especially with couples who have been together a long time.
Reconnecting With My Husband
These last few years have been rough. Covid aside, I fell ill with another disease and ended up with an autoimmune disease. My husband and I both suffered trauma. My husband’s father died, we moved, there has been surgeries, work, etc… It’s been busy.
Needless to say, my husband and I drifted apart a bit. We still love each other, we still have physical intimacy, but we were no longer spending time together or really making time for one another. Plus, we were not able to find things to do together anymore. We used to have a lot of the same hobbies, but things have changed.
And that’s not a bad thing. But we were not taking the time to focus on each other, each other’s love language, or communicating. (Don’t worry my husband gave me permission to share this with y’all in the hopes we can help other relationships.)
Because of that, there was hurt feelings, the feeling of loneliness, and jealousy. I’m ashamed to say the jealousy was on my part. It felt like my husband was excited to do stuff with everyone, but me.
We actually ended up having an argument. Something we rarely do. However, it opened the door for us to finally discuss this and make changes. Which leads me to my first point.
1. Reconnect With Your Spouse Through Communication
Nothing can change until you talk about what’s going on. I know when you’re married you’re afraid to speak about certain things. And when you’re not feeling lovey dovey and feeling resentful and alone you may be scared to bring it up.
You still love your spouse, and you know you do, or maybe you’re not feeling a lot of love. It can leave feelings of guilt and fear. You don’t want to lose your partner, but will their feelings be hurt? Will they understand?
The answer is probably yes. They may end up with hurt feelings and confusion, but you can talk it out. Not screaming, blame, and point fingers, but talk it out. Get the feelings and problems out on the table. If you’re feeling one way, they’re probably feeling similar or another way.
Both of you can lay out your discontent on the table. Once you guys bring everything to the table you can make a game plan to make changes.
But beyond taking the first step, talking is how you stay connected. Small talk, talking about new things, old things, and checking in on each other is how you stay connected over the years.
2. Make A Plan To Reconnect With Your Spouse
Once you guys know what’s wrong, you can now make a game plan to make changes. This is something you both must be part of and you both have to actively participate in to make it work. To make a game plan you need to look at the different areas of your life.
- Are you putting God first?
- Have you guys had big changes like: a move, a death, trauma, promotions, new jobs? Is your time focused on healing or these things?
- Did your children become your main focus?
- Is depression, stress, or anxiety an issue?
- Are you guys dating still?
- How long have you been in a rut?
My Husband and I Broke Down The Aspects Of Our Lives That Needed To Change and What We Should Do To Reconnect
My husband and I had to look at our lives. God was not number 1 in our lives anymore. We had major changes and trauma that changed things and needed to work on that. We both are dealing with stress at work and are tired. And we don’t go on too many dates or have much adventure. Our evenings are spent separately most days until we go to bed. He was content going out and being with friends because he felt like I was saying no to everything he suggested. I was content staying in and not doing anything because I was tired of being around people and doing the same thing over and over and over again.
We had to work this out.
After that talk we decided the following:
- God had to be first.
- To make time to talk to one another. We talk obviously, but have a weekly serious talk to check in with how each other are feeling and doing.
- We needed to start taking better care of ourselves.
- Spending time together needs to be a focus. That means doing stuff together that we normally do and trying new things.
- Dating is a must and we decided every 2 weeks we would plan something special and every few months go a special day trip or spend a weekend somewhere. Not a vacation, just visit a new town or somewhere we enjoyed nearby.
- Finding new hobbies together like hiking. We both like hiking and want to do more of it. And we live by so many trails, there is no reason not to take advantage of them.
3. Put God First In Your Relationship So You Can Reconnect With Your Spouse
If you don’t put God first you are relying on yourself and the world. That means whatever you’re trying to do is going to fail. In the end, your relationships will struggle, your job will struggle, and so will you.
God not being first in your relationship will leave you open to be hurt by the world. Our wells aren’t refilled if we don’t go to God to refill us.
So we end up burnt out, tired, angry, lonely, and joyless. So we expect our spouse’s to fix these things and maybe they can for a short time. But no one is perfect and they will fail you and then you end up resentful and feeling unloved.
God is the only one who can fulfill and heal us. Our spouses cannot. While God may use our spouses to help us, He also uses our spouses to bring out the hurt in us so He can heal it.
You have to spend time in God’s word, in prayer, and praise/worship. And husbands, you have to be leading your wives spiritually.
4. Get To Know Each Other Again
Sometimes couples drift far apart or sometimes people change. I know after I got sick and went through some trauma, I wasn’t the same. It changed how I feel about going out and how I feel about being around people.
My husband when he was dealing with the VA and his PTSD and the stress of work, it changed him over the years.
And that’s just it. People don’t stay the same. Each of us are different than the people we were when we first got together. And that’s okay. However, you have to sometimes take the time to get to know the new person.
My husband had to let go of his frustrations because of my limitations and hesitance. And these are things I’m working on to be better, but he had to learn to be more understanding and accepting.
I also had to be more accepting and understanding as I learned things about my husband. I also learned that sometimes he needed tough love from me to help him get back up and moving.
You have to take time to understand each other where you’re at and the new person they’ve grown into over the years.
5. You Have To Flirt and Date To Reconnect With Your Spouse
So many times once we get married and the longer we are married we forget to date. We did the hard work, we got married, why do we still have to do all this? We are comfortable.
That’s the problem.
We are comfortable and no longer put the effort into making each other feel special and courting each other. If you’re not flirting, dating, having sex with your spouse… you’re roommates. You may be the best of friends, but it’s not fulfilling to most people as a marriage.
Grant it, as you grow your relationship will look different. Sometimes it’s okay to be in a lull, sometimes sex isn’t number 1, finances can hurt dating, I get it before anyone comes at me. But the thing is, if you’re not putting a romantic effort (based on their love languages) you are letting a rift grow.
And this isn’t to guilt trip anyone, but you have to chase your spouse. Make them feel respected (men) and desired (women) and vice versa as well all wanted to feel loved, wanted, respected, etc.
6. Start Doing Things Together To Reconnect With Your Spouse
Is everything the same? Work, home, homework, cooking, cleaning, and then sitting in other rooms not talking? Start making time to do things together. Even if you’re feeling tired and bleh, you gotta take a step. We are all tired and most of us are tired all the time. You can’t wait or you’ll be waiting forever.
But even if you don’t have money to go on trips or do hobbies, then do everyday things together.
- Go grocery shopping together.
- Clean up together.
- Cook new meals together.
- Learn new life skills together.
- Go for a walk.
- Play a game.
- Take turns reading the Bible or books to one another.
- Fine obscure movies to watch. (There are a million free apps to watch tv/movies on)
Just do stuff together. Talk, joke, learn together. We are meant to learn and grow, not sit in a rut and rot.
7. Pick Up Hobbies Or Help To Help Yourself To Reconnect With Your Spouse
If you’re spending 24/7 together sometimes you find you see too much of people. It may be nice to eat ice cream once in a while, but if you eat it everyday for every meal it gets to be too much. Spend some time apart doing things to help you grow.
This will give you time to miss them and it will help you:
- Reduce stress
- Help Mentally
- Grow as a person
- Give you something interesting to talk about
Your mental health and joy will grow if you have something you love. This makes you happier to be around and you’ll have fun and interesting things to talk about.
8. Make Time For Love and Intimacy To Reconnect With Your Spouse
Y’all knew this was coming. Love and intimacy may look different to everyone. We all have different love languages and we should take time to learn our spouse’s love language so we can bring this love and intimacy to each other.
But there are other ways to be intimate and lovey too. And yes that includes sex, which spouses should be having. It doesn’t have to be a lot, but you should not withhold sex from your spouse unless there is a good and agreed upon reason. But beyond sex there are other things like:
- Cuddling
- Holding Hands
- Kissing (and not just a quick peck while you’re running out the door)
- Sitting next to each other touch
- Stroking each others hair or brow or legs
- Massages
- Helping with tasks
- Write a love letter
- Going to bed at the same time (Which is surprisingly important.)
- Having coffee together in the morning
- Watching the sunset together or the sunrise
Physical love and intimacy is important for every relationship, but if the rift is big enough you guys aren’t quite ready for that step again, then start slow. Hold each others hands on a walk. Snuggle while watching a movie.
Sit close and watch the sunset or look at the stars. Snuggle in bed (you know until one of you get too hot.) Write a love letter talking about all the things you love about your spouse or all the steamy things you want to do.
All those cute little things you did in the beginning of the relationship that made you feel special and burn on the inside with love and desire…do those things. Because they are important.
9. Reconnect With Your Spouse With Silly Rituals
Sometimes silly rituals are the best way to connect. Before bed, my husband and I will tickle, wrestle, and aggravate each other. It’s not out of spite or annoyance, but it’s something we have done for years.
In the mornings when he is working nights or is off, we lay in bed for another hour and two and just talk and snuggle. That is our time. No work, no phones, no people.
If we are in the other room and want some extra love (and sometimes to inconvenience the other, in a loving way of course) we shout “Kiss Tax.” The other person has to come and give the other person a kiss, and yes, if you don’t come right away there is interest, extra kisses!
You may laugh or roll your eyes, but these are special and cute ways my husband and I love each other and it can make a big difference in keeping love alive in a relationship.
10. To Reconnect With Your Spouse, Everything Comes After Them Except God
God comes first, then your and your spouse, then your kids, then friends, then work and everything else. I know some of you are aghast at your kids not being first. Kids aren’t supposed to be first. God is. And you don’t put kids first before your spouse. (Obviously there are situations they will come first, i.e famine, illness, and safety etc before some of y’all come at me with hypotheticals.)
But your spouse is the person God gave you to worship Him with, to get through life with. And without the both of you, your kids have nothing. And if your kids see either one of you disrespecting each other or putting them before the other they know that:
- It’s okay to disrespect Mom or Dad
- They will treat their spouse that way one day
- That they run the house
That’s why we have so many kids the way they are today. And yes, I don’t mean that in a good way. To have a strong family, you need strong parents who love one another, who put God first, then each other, to take care of the kids properly, and to succeed in other areas of your life.
Once you put anything (besides God) above your spouse, you created a rift and have shown them not only disrespect, but that they are not the love of your life and that whatever you put in front of them, is more important. And that’s not saying that sometimes things come up or to keep your family fed you don’t work extra hours. But as a whole if you’re putting more time into 1 area and forsaking your spouse, they’re going to notice. And that creates a whole new bag of problems.
It’s Hard, But Doable To Reconnect
It may be awkward at first and difficult. But you can reconnect with your spouse. As someone who has been with their spouse for 10+ years, rifts happen, but you have to always mend them. It isn’t always fun, trust me, and there may be tears, but you can do it…hand in hand… loving each other all along the way.
Do you have any other tips for reconnecting with your spouse? Did I miss any? What advice do you have for new couples dealing with a disconnect?